13. As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in the wind whispers, "Dammit!"
12. Always starts breakfast chat with "Hey, hotcakes -- I got your syrup right here!"
11. After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare Company, the only acting gig you can land is as "Dead Crack Ho" in a UPN movie of the week.
10. Only after you're committed to the mental hospital for schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices.
9. That's too big to be *bird* caca on your shoulder.
8. The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just COMPLETELY unacceptable!
7. Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas.
6. You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike Tyson, Latrell Sprewell, Sean Penn, and Mickey Rourke.
5. You're out of work, you bang your head every time you get in the car, and the new Mrs. Rodman nags *AND* snores.
4. Devil on your left shoulder: "You can beat the train." Angel on your right shoulder: "I concur. The locomotive is definitely beatable."
3. Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck.
2. Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank the monkey.
1. On one shoulder, a little red devil says, "Go ahead, let her do it. No one will ever know!" From the other shoulder, you hear, "That's right, Tubby -- and besides, you're the President!"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
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