Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.
My other wife is beautiful.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Say to the groom, "Your bride will now expect a mink." Then to the bride, "You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!"
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out To Lunch, Think It Over."
Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.
Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.
Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.
Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.
Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes, hold your nose Then see how it goes...
The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.
The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.