15> Put out a plate of Girl Scout cookies at her 11th birthday party, then told everyone she'd spent all morning baking.
14> Failed to have her people whack Cybill Shepherd before she could star in that terrible NBC biopic.
13> Dressed a 7-Eleven hot dog with Grey Poupon and mango salsa.
12> Didn't use the melon baller on her weaselly little stockbroker when she had the chance.
11> Tarragon in bouillabaisse? ARE YOU *MAD*, WOMAN?!?
10> On one occasion, in a momentary lapse, allowed her cold stare to rise to above 32 degrees.
9> Dedicated an entire show to sphincter-tightening exercises.
8> The Danvers Opening was expected, but then attempting to transform it into a Gunderam Attack was just suicide!
7> Sent a congratulatory case of champagne to Sammy Sosa when he hit his 500th home run.
6> Once disciplined staff with a white garotte after Labor Day.
5> Forgot that it's red wine with illegal stock trading, white wine with accounting fraud.
4> Giant floral centerpiece on her dining room table is made entirely of old, unpaid parking citations.
3> Accidentally voted for Buchanan in '00.
2> Spent many wasted years pining away for Richard Chamberlain.
1> Wore a camouflage dress to her high school prom.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]