20> Friggin' Simon cut you off 10 seconds into your audition.
19> Prison swastika tattoo on your forehead can't be fully
hidden by a miter.
18> The College of Cardinals refuses to let "Pimp My Ride" touch
17> The other cardinals still haven't forgotten when you beat
John Paul in Scrabble and shouted, "Infallible, my ass!"
16> Because apparently, the Body of Christ is not carb-free.
15> Transparent popemobile
+ your penchant for car sickness
= papal visits that make children cry.
14> Your wives will only let you off the compound for flour and
13> You're not really a papal person.
12> The last communion wafer you ate burned a crucifix-shaped
hole through your tongue.
11> You ain't takin' off that cool Skoal cap you found under the
bleachers at Daytona for no pointy hat, dammit!
10> The other cardinals strongly oppose your proposed "Blue
Collar Catholic Comedy Tour."
9> Your foreign language skills begin and end with
8> You're constipated *and* scared of the woods.
7> In response to your query, the Vatican Council sent
you a note that said, "More like the NOPE."
6> You're the only cardinal who does a Beavis
impression when anyone says "organ."
5> Your little habit of referring to the Eucharist as
"nizzachos and pimp juice from the Notorious G.O.D."
4> You can't make the sign of the cross without
grabbing your genitals and moonwalking.
3> Okay, you were starving, but you didn't have to eat
*that* grilled cheese sandwich.
2> Irritable bowel syndrome and a $20,000 white robe
are not exactly a match made in heaven.
1> Because driving the popemobile would mean having to
give up your pussymobile, man!
[ The Top 5 List
[ Copyright 2005 by
Chris White ]