15> You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off."
14> Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
13> Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
12> Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
11> Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!"
You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."
10> The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
9> Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
8> There's always a traffic jam on your street when she's mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
7> You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even *has* any.
6> Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."
5> After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.
4> There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
3> You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
2> Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you.
1> Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"
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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]