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Standardized Guide to the Bases

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do
you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?

"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they
got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base?
Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older.
What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using
baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face
it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of
sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex
metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and
with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide
to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old
days.

First Base: This was almost always kissing, although one guy I
knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.

Second Base: Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast
feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base: Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or
your partner.

Home Run: This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

That system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new
factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the
exact definitions? We have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions and present without further ado... The Standardized
Guide to the Bases!

On Deck: Having plans for a date.

Strike-Out: Duh!!

Walk: Kissing.

Bunt: Masturbation.

Single: Tongue kissing.

Double: Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels.

Triple: Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation.

Inside the park home run: Oral Sex.

Home Run: SEX!

Ground Rule Double: would have sex, but no condom.

Error: Condom breaks during sex.

Banned for life for gambling: sex without a condom.

Hall of Fame: Marriage.

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

Balk: Premature ejaculation.

Pine Tar: KY jelly.

Relief pitcher: Vibrator.

Rain Delay: parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.

Box Seats: Waterbed.

Seventh Inning Stretch: Unusual positions.

Rookie: Virgin.

Minor Leagues: Under 18.

Loaded Bases: manage a trois.

Grand Slam: Sex three times in twelve hours.

Foul tip: VD.

Three up and three down: impotency.

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY: we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY: first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time. NEW
WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a
relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the
confusion and helps you out.

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