16> When you get close enough to his diploma, you can actually smell the Cracker Jack.
15> You're fairly certain no university offers a "Doctor of Bootyology" degree.
14> Regardless of what the diploma says, you're certain Hellmann's does not run the Mayo Clinic.
13> Asks you if you'd like fries with your pelvic exam.
12> His latex examination gloves are ribbed for added pleasure.
11> His framed "degree" looks suspiciously like Motley Crue's "Dr. Feelgood" album cover.
10> Dr. Harrelson prescribes medicinal marijuana for your ingrown toenail.
9> Pre-warms the proctoscope? Check.
Delicately lubes his latex-gloved hand? Check.
Puts on some Old Spice and fires up a Barry White CD? Uh-oh.
8> "Let's mix things up a little. How about you grab *me*, and *I'll* turn my head and cough?"
7> Prior to the exam, he connects a red light bulb to your nose "to tell me if I'm doing something wrong."
6> He says that the best way to do your heart bypass surgery is to go through your stomach, "you know, because of that saying."
5> You somehow doubt all his hype about the growing field of "Xtreme Gynecology."
4> This may be the only clinic your HMO covers, but you're pretty sure what your doctor is doing isn't the "reasonable and customary" way to perform an artificial insemination.
3> Employs the services of his pets, Fluffy and Rover, for your cat scan and lab work.
2> You're pretty sure the American Academy of Dermatology doesn't really sponsor his Pimple Squeezin' Olympics.
1> He introduces himself by saying, "I AM DR. CLEMENT OKON OF NIGERIA. FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION."
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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]